how analogue photography saved me: A Case Study - Heather G-G
(TW - Discussion of death, grief & depression)
The Backstory
I first met Rachel and participated in one of her develop and print workshops whilst
celebrating my 50th birthday incorporating a trip to Liverpool and escaping the stresses of
work and caring for my elderly mother.
Since participating in that workshop my mum has passed away as I was the one who found
her listless body, despite being a trained Paramedic who is not unaccustomed to attending
situations like this it hit me hard as I came to terms that I am now an orphan with no other
family to turn to. It hit me hard, it felt like I had lost my mum and best friend, and for that last
12 months I have struggled with bereavement, grief related depression and menopause oh
and add into that anxiety and agoraphobia, I had shut down completely.
I have worked with professionals and chose a therapeutic journey and rehabilitation, I didn’t
go down the chemical route to pull me out of the darkness, I engaged with it, I learnt from it
and found greater insight and personal awareness. I sought assistance from my GP to assist
with the effects of menopause and the associated symptoms that come with it.
My next challenge was coming to terms and planning my life and future as for the last 5yrs
my life had revolved around work and mums increasing care needs.
I looked at what bought me satisfaction, pleasure, purpose and focus. I questioned where I
sat on the neurodivergent scale and accepted that I had a lot of ADHD traits especially when
a task required attention and concentration thankfully, I appear to have a default mode when
at work and then ADHD is of great benefit.
Photography has always bought calmness and serenity into my life, my meditation and yoga
as I am able to slow down, switch off and just “be” in the moment.
Rachel and the therapy that is the darkroom.
I booked a 3-day mini darkroom residency with Rachel, booking the same hotel I had stayed
in previously, so I had familiarity to lessen my anxiety.
I booked train tickets so I could catch up on some study rather than be stuck behind the
wheel for 6hrs.
Then the reality hit me, I was putting myself well and truly out of my comfort zone, I was
making good progress, but this was insane and was going to test every inch of me.
The day for departure came and with suitcase packed I headed off to the bus stop, I had
hardly left the house in 6 months mixed emotions running through my head, but thankfully
excitement took top ranking, arriving at the train station bought another wave of anxiety but
once again the excitement won. Arriving at London Victoria was stimulation overload, but I
focussed on the white handwritten cards in my pocket that detailed my journey by time,
station and platform.
The train doors opened, and I was at Liverpool Lime Street Station, I had overcome my fears
and my anxiety and it suddenly dawned on me I hadn’t utilised my headphones they were
still stuck fast in my rucksack, well that’s a shocker as when I felt overwhelmed I would put
them on to calm me or block out whatever threatened me.
With a sense of pride, I strode off heading for the docks and my bed for the next few nights.
I arrived at the Baltic Creative and was greeted by the warm smile and a hug from Rachel,
we sat and discussed the course content and what I wanted to achieve in the next 3 days. I
explained to Rachel how I had been feeling in the last 12 months since my last print and
develop workshop with her and she gave me the time to explain and she listened. She told
me that there was a chill out room at the facility that I could utilise if I felt overwhelmed at any
point.
We went into the darkroom to choose the negatives I wanted to print, I had returned with a
set of negatives I had processed at home after my last workshop and it was an emotional
journey for both of us as this film was from a good friend and colleague of hers who had
sadly passed away suddenly and had been hand rolled and sold to raise funds for the
Asthma and Lung Foundation. This film was the first film I had developed and contained
shots from my 50 th birthday trip only a couple of months prior to losing my mum and the
subsequent downward spiral and decline in my own mental health and wellbeing.
I think we both appreciated the sentimental value and emotional resonance of this set of
negatives so hastily set to work in the darkroom bringing them to life in the format of a print.
The Power Of Therapy
Therapy comes in many forms, for me pushing my boundaries and booking this course,
getting to this course and partaking in this course ignited something in me that had long
been extinguished.
I learnt a lot about resilience and facing my fears, minimising anxiety by doing whatever it
took, in my case detailing my journey so I knew where I needed to be at what time. Seeing
the negatives turn into prints coming alive in the developing tray was the dopamine rush I
had been missing; I suddenly felt a sense of achievement, pride and joy. I “felt” something
other than pain, sadness and more latterly dead inside. Feeling joy and happiness was such
an empowering feeling, all my anxieties and insecurities had been extinguished, and I felt
alive for the first time in ages.
As I look back on the experience, I feel an immense sense of pride, joy and satisfaction, a
sense of worth due to my accomplishment and am so pleased to have met Rachel 2 years
ago. I truly believe everyone comes into your life for a reason and unknowingly when I
booked my print and develop day back in 2023 she and her workshops would one day be
the turning point in my life and save me, overcoming and conquering my fears and anxieties.
Rachel and Little Vintage Photography have played a significant role in my rehabilitation
journey and I fear I may not be where I am without Rachels empathy, support, understanding
and acceptance.
The darkroom is my happy place, a place where a vision becomes a negative, where a
negative becomes a print, a print gets hung on the wall and becomes a memory.
By Heather G-G
